Lost Productivity
I wrote this last year as a parody for all the studies that come out every year showing lost business productivity due to March Madness.
Lost Productivity
Boise Idaho-Every year, the NCAA basketball tournament also known to sports fans as “March Madness” costs businesses billions in revenue due to employees being less productive. Also every year, researchers come out with studies showing the amount of money lost. Now there is a stunning new trend on the rise: loss of productivity due to loss of productivity studies.
“We never saw it coming” says the CEO of Gerbilco Walter Pinkton “this company alone is losing millions from it.”
Yes that’s right, those “harmless” studies done on lost productivity costs businesses money.
Professor Louis Appletree of Southern Idaho Technological University has come out with the first report of its kind on this unusual but costly new trend. “This year it could cost us half a billion dollars in lost productivity. Although this is less than the amount lost from the (March Madness), it is still a lot.” Asked why it costs so much, the professor tells us bluntly. “Employees are obsessed with distraction, many aren’t given enough vacation time, so they make it up at work. They see a study about lost productivity from the (March Madness) and email it to their coworkers. Their coworkers read it and send it to others until the entire workforce does nothing but read it.”
The professor adds another more unusual scenario to his study.
“Sometimes businesses try to prevent their employees from paying any attention to the (March Madness) and this causes them to go elsewhere for their fix.”
The CEO of Bunnytech Marvin Goatslayer agrees with Professor Appletree.
“The other day I saw ten of my workers gathered together not working of course and I saw them do something I couldn’t believe: productivity loss brackets. Each of them had a list of corporation names with the monetary amount next to it waiting for the March Madness to end to see how much revenue each lost. The one who guessed the right amount would get all the money. I was furious, I ripped each bracket apart, I almost fired everyone of them.”
More and more businesses are seeing this happen and many are coming up with measures to try to stop it. Even so, Professor Appletree also warns of a potential trend we may see in the near future.
“My study could have disastrous results. Businesses might start to lose productivity because of this study and then lose productivity from studies that show lost productivity from this study. It could start a chain reaction that would not end until every employee of every business stops working because they are too busy reading about how unproductive they are. Hopefully this study will be a warning to everyone to be more productive, but most likely they will just read this instead.”
-Albert Cirrus
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