30 July 09 - 14:05The "Girthers"

(Satire)

Honolulu, Hawaii-With all the talk and controversy about Obama's birth certificate and uncertainty over whether or not he is a natural born citizen, there is one group of conspiracy theorists that get overlooked: the "Girthers."

The "Birthers" believe that Obama wasn't born in Hawaii and instead was born in Kenya or Indonesia and they cite their proof that nobody has seen his actual birth certificate (despite evidence to the contrary).  But the Girthers have a theory for this: Obama was never born.

"It's obvious," states the Girther founder Derrick Nutt and founder of the website World Nutt Daily "he was never born.  He must still be in his mother's womb."  Nutt also believes that Obama's mother Stanley faked her death in 1995 and is still pregnant after almost 50 years.  Nutt explains, "Science has allowed 60 year olds to get pregnant, she would be 66 today.  She must have been given a drug to stay pregnant all those years. ... (more)

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29 July 09 - 13:10The Masked Quitter

A woman wakes up to the smell of smoke and 2 firefighters barge in to rescue her. She screams that her 2 year old son is still in there, but the firefighters say it’s too dangerous to go back in. She is brought outside and screams for help while the firefighters put out the fire. Suddenly, a woman in a cape lands right next to her.

Woman: Who are you?

MQ: I’m the Masked Quitter, you betcha.

Woman: My son is in there, save him!

MQ: What’s his name?

Woman: What? Jason.

MQ: Oh, that’s a dumb name. What kind of food do you like?

Woman: Jason is going to die!

MQ: You can call him pasta, I like to eat moose also. Maybe I could name my next kid that.

Woman: Why would you name your kid "Moose?"

MQ: Hey, don’t attack my children, David!

Woman: David?

MQ: Never mind.

Woman: Just fly up there and get him before it’s too late!

MQ: Oh-kay.

The Masked Quitter flies up to the second floor and 2 minutes ... (more)

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28 July 09 - 16:04Did LBJ Invite Cross-Burners to the White House for a Beer?

Obama has done something stupid, he has invited that racist cop Crowley to the White House to have a beer with, he also invited Professor Gates too.  But I think this is a bad move, I think it rewards idiocy and racism.  Would Obama invite a child molester?  I wouldn't think so.  So why is Crowley any different?  I also think Obama should have used a stronger word to describe Crowley, I would have called him a "racist asshole" and demanded his firing, but Obama is too nice.  Obama needs to stop fucking up and do the right thing and cancel his meeting with Crowley and just invite his friend Gates.

-Albert Cirrus

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28 July 09 - 13:07The Birthers Will Hate This

Uh oh.

Whereas the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was born in Hawaii on August 4, 1961;

Guess what, no Republicans voted against it.  They hope their pissed off Birther friends will be forgiving.

-Albert Cirrus

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28 July 09 - 12:35Bunny Boy to Retire

Senator Jim Bunny to retire.

I know his name is "Bunning", but it sounds like "Bunny" and that is funny (hey that rhymes).

Seriously, this crazy mother fucker should have been voted out 5 years ago.  I hope the Democrats pick up this seat next year, we have two statewide candidates (the Attorney General and LT Governor) who could win Kentucky.

-Albert Cirrus

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27 July 09 - 16:27Let's Use the Birthers

I just heard on the radio that Republicans will show up to their districts and be confronted with the birther nuts.  I think they will be distracted and it's an incredible opportunity for Democrats to pass real healthcare reform.

-Albert Cirrus

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26 July 09 - 23:28Dumb Move Charlie Crist

Maybe he was reaching out to the right-wing base with this praising.

-Albert Cirrus

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26 July 09 - 00:29Dildo of the Week

Steve Spurrier

The Gamecocks coach said Friday at the SEC’s media days that the director of football operations filled out the ballot in his stead and voted for Mississippi’s Jevan Snead.

I smell bullshit.

Yeah Steve, this has nothing to do with Tebow embarrassing the Gamecocksuckers two years in a row with scoring 107 points on them.

In 4 years with Florida, Meyers 2 championships and Spurrier only had 1 in more than twice that span.  Tebow got his Heisman as a sophomore, Spurrier's NFL career sucked.  Jealousy?  This was just a "fuck you" to Tebow, Spurrier needs to retire, Bowden too.

Yeah and all the other teams could perfectly pick the other players, but Spurrier had to rely on others, yeah believable.  Fuck you Steve!

-Albert Cirrus

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23 July 09 - 11:00On Cue

Malkintented victimizes the racist cop who arrested a black Harvard professor.  Of course I love the story she cites as an example of why he is allegedly not a racist.

“I wasn’t working on Reggie Lewis the basketball star. I wasn’t working on a black man. I was working on another human being,” Sgt. James Crowley, in an exclusive interview with the Herald, said of the forward’s fatal heart attack July 27, 1993, at age 27 during an off-season practice at Brandeis University, where Crowley was a campus police officer.

Has it come to this?  You use this as proof for not being a racist?  I guess the logic is that you can as a police officer unjustly arrest a guy for being black, but if you tried to save another black guy's life 16 years ago, it's all okay.  I bet during the 50's and 60's, some of the police who hosed, beat, and attacked with dogs blacks who protested ... (more)

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22 July 09 - 16:15Businesses Shouldn't be Allowed to do This

They shouldn't be allowed to rename icons like the Sears Tower, at least without the consent of the people in the city.  There should be a law that states that if a building, stadium, skyscraper, bridge, etc. has had a name for more than 25 years, the name shouldn't be changed without a vote from the city's residents.  Since the Sears Tower was built in 1974, 1999 would have been the deadline for a change without a vote.  Of course, since there are a lot of buildings and stuff, so there would also have to be a signature initiative to get it on the ballot.  I just came up with the idea, so the details would be debated later.

-Albert Cirrus

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21 July 09 - 16:47Dildo of the Week

Jeff Sessions

I think with all the projection and accusations of racism against Sotomayor, it's refreshing to remember who the real racists are: conservatives and Republicans.

-Albert Cirrus

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21 July 09 - 00:20Walter Cronkite 1916-2009

This is kind of late, but RIP.

-Albert Cirrus

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16 July 09 - 11:32Official: Pot can Pay for a Thousand Michael Jackson Funerals

1.4 billion!

Add to that the money saved not arresting harmless pot users.  If they grew the industrial hemp also, they could help relieve the gas and smog problem too and make lots more money.  Of course this idea is reality based, so it won't see the light of day.

-Albert Cirrus

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15 July 09 - 12:26Buccaneers 2009 Season Predictions

The Bucs lost Gruden, they lost Kiffen, they lost Derrick Brooks, and they have a shitty schedule.  I won't go into details on each game, but here you go:

Dallas

Win 23-17

@ Buffalo

Loss 14-21

NY Giants

Loss 7-17

@ Washington

Win 28-24

@ Philadelphia

Loss 10-31

Carolina

Win 20-16

New England

Loss 20-23

Green Bay

Win 35-17

@ Miami

Win 24-20

New Orleans

Win 20-13

@ Atlanta

Win 21-17

@ Carolina

Loss 17-30

NY Jets

Win 24-10

@ Seattle

Loss 20-27

@ New Orleans

Loss 10-13

Atlanta

Win 27-14

Another shitty 9-7 season, maybe.

-Albert Cirrus

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14 July 09 - 00:55Gator 2009 Season Predictions

This season Florida will be without Percy Harvin, who has gone to Minnesota, but the Gators don't need him to win.  We have Tebow, we have the running backs threat, we have the defense, we have the special teams, Florida has everything bi-atch!  Of course like every year I predict the Florida Gators won't lose a game (although they have never achieved this feat).  Here is the schedule:

Charleston Southern

Pfft.  P-lease.  Tebow will crush them in the first half then let John Brantley finish it.

Florida 63-0

Troy

Last time, Florida gave up 31 points to them, but we have better defense than that.

Florida 52-7

Tennessee

Urban, meet the Kiffins.  Tennessee will improve on defense, but will lag in offense again.

Florida 27-10

@ Kentucky

How many times in a row has Florida beaten them?

Florida 45-6

@ LSU

First major test of the season.  Florida came close 2 years ago ... (more)

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13 July 09 - 09:56Fuck, I Stubbed My Toe, Better Now

Another example of why Science Rules.

Of course don't tell the Christian Right about this, they will freak out.  God-damn, shit, mother fucker, cock master!  Oops, just hit my head.  Pain gone.

-Albert Cirrus

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13 July 09 - 09:48Return of the Dildo of the Week

Valley Club in Huntingdon Valley

I can't believe this shit goes on today.  Racism lives on in the 21st century and the only thing we can do is point it out whenever it happens.

-Albert Cirrus

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13 July 09 - 09:43We Need More Real Politicians Like...

...Steve Kornell.  I have joined his campaign for City Council here in sunny St. Petersburg, Florida.  He's a great dude and very honest.  He also happens to be gay which is good cause we need more gay politicians.  I look forward to his victory this fall.

-Albert Cirrus

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08 July 09 - 10:49Good Luck Gordon!

Hope you recover well from the surgery dude!

-Albert Cirrus

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04 July 09 - 00:06Shocker: NaPalin to Resign as Governor by the End of the Month!!!!!

Let it be so.

I only have one thing to say:

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01 July 09 - 17:34Vox Day is Crazier Than I Thought

Apparently, the dude believes the moon landing was faked.

Can you believe this dude?

-Albert Cirrus

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